


A Cure For What Ails You

by rebelmeg



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, F/M, Finding a little bit of comfort, Nurse/Soldier romance, Original Character(s), Original Female Character is based on someone who was actually in the movie, Romance, Sad Ending, but only for like a second
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-18
Updated: 2017-07-18
Packaged: 2018-12-03 18:04:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11537586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rebelmeg/pseuds/rebelmeg
Summary: Bucky has been busted out of HYDRA imprisonment by his suddenly huge but still reckless best friend.  He's shaken up, he's got bits of memories that horrify him, and he just needs a minute alone to think.Instead... he finds an unexpected distraction while the soldiers are still giving three cheers for Captain America, and in the middle of a war and in the worst possible place to start a romance, he finds a little bit of solace in a nurse with pretty brown eyes, a sweet smile, and a blush he could fall in love with.





	A Cure For What Ails You

**Author's Note:**

> This is set in the middle of Captain America: The First Avenger, right after the scene where Steve and Bucky and all the missing soldiers come marching back into camp after they break out of the Hydra facility. I was being a fangirl and finding computer backgrounds awhile ago, and I found [this](http://rebelmeg.tumblr.com/post/176215341976/bucky-looking-at-a-nurse-after-azzano-like-she-has).
> 
> That snatched my attention right quick, and made me wonder if maybe Bucky had a little romance, a comfort-driven relationship in the middle of the war when he was fresh out of literal hell and desperately needing someone to hold.
> 
> This is... schmoopy. I admit it freely. Schmoopy and sweet and sad, because we know how that war ends and who isn't "alive" at the end of it. No one dies in this fic, it's just sad because of obvious reasons. I just needed Bucky to have one shining moment of peace before the rest of that movie took place, and I borrowed what I could see of that partial profile of that nurse to make an OC of sorts to give it to him.
> 
> I also saw [this](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/90/78/cc/9078cc7e9c1cd96e860ff60c48ae3bd8.jpg), about how the bruises on Bucky's face in that scene look awfully familiar when compared to the chair that was used on the Winter Soldier to wipe his memories. So... that got thrown in too, because my heart was crying and I had to.
> 
> Oh, I also guessed on the exact dates I used in the letters. All I could find (I used the MCU wiki as my main source of info), was that Steve busted them all out in November of 1943, and the war ended on September 2, 1945, so I created exact dates using that information.

Bucky couldn’t believe it. He, they, all the men that he had been imprisoned with in the Hydra facility… they were all safe. Had walked the thirty miles, from the Austrian Alps and back into Italy, Captain America at the front, with tanks and trucks and hundreds of men that had been thought dead. It was surreal, in the best way possible, given that it was still a war.

He was surrounded by the men he came back with, and the men that greeted them with astonishment at the camp, giving three cheers for Captain America, but more than anything, Bucky just wanted… to be alone. Just to process the complete insanity that was his life at the moment.

Steve only had eyes for a beautiful dame in a sharp uniform (Bucky guessed she was the Agent Peggy Carter he’d heard about), even with everyone around them cheering for him, and Bucky was trying to decide if he’d be able to just slip away, or if Steve would notice and come after him like he was a delinquent kid. The big lug hadn’t let Bucky out of his sight ever since he’d managed that impossible, miraculous leap over the fire in that godforsaken base. (And didn’t that give him another nightmare to add to the confusing, horrifying list that he already had).

“Sergeant?”

A gentle touch on his arm had Bucky twisting around to look, and what he saw just about saved his life.

It was a nurse, one of the ones milling around among the men, performing triage for all the wounded. She was a pretty, young thing wearing a pristine white uniform that stood out like a spotlight among the soldiers wearing ragged clothes and covered in grime. She had soft brown hair pulled up under that neat little nurses cap, pretty brown eyes with thick lashes, and smooth olive skin, unaffected by the touches of war. She was a sudden and unexpected reminder, when Bucky needed it most, of everything that he’d left behind and had to protect. The good parts of the world that were somewhere outside this sphere of violence and death.

She made him think of one of the girls he’d spent his last night with before he left Brooklyn for England, Connie, dancing with her and her friend into the wee hours of the morning, spinning them across the crowded dance floor in turns and kissing them until they blushed before he left.

“Are you hurt?” The pretty nurse asked in a soft voice, bringing him back.

Bucky felt a small smile forming on his face, the first genuine smile he’d had since… well, since New York, probably.

“Nah, I’m okay. But seeing as how you’re the one that would be takin’ care of me, I kind of almost wish I was.” Truth be told, he was in rough shape, but there were others in the group hurt worse than he was.

She blinked a couple times, then a sweet smile broke out and she blushed a lovely pink at his words, looking down shyly. Bucky desperately wanted to lean down and land his mouth on those lips all of a sudden, but he held back. She had work to do, and so did he, and this was certainly not the place.

“Maybe once you fix up all these other guys, I could come see you anyway? Maybe I have a sliver or something.”

Her eyes sparkled just a little as she met his eyes, and she was still flushed as she nodded. “I’d like that, Sergeant.”

“Bucky,” He said, taking one hand off his gun and catching hers before she left, lifting it to his lips and brushing a kiss across her fingers. “You can call me Bucky.”

“Ruth,” She murmured back, mesmerized for a moment while she stared into his eyes, then she seemed to shake herself and stepped back. “Nurse Fisher.”

“I’ll see you later, Nurse Ruth Fisher.”

With a fresh pop of color in her cheeks, she turned around and made her way through the crowd until Bucky couldn’t see her anymore. He didn’t stop smiling, though.

“You always did have a way with the dames.”

Bucky turned and saw Steve (Steve’s face, not Steve’s body, that still jarred every time he looked at his best friend) looking at him with a knowing, sly grin on his mug.

Bucky flushed, but ran his mouth to keep Steve from noticing. “Had to make up for you being such a punk around ‘em.”

Steve’s grin turned into a full-fledged smile, like he knew what Bucky was doing and wasn’t falling for it. “Jerk.”

 

*********************

 

It had taken Bucky almost an hour after dinner that night to orchestrate a situation that would get Steve to quit fussing like a mother hen (geez, there was a flipped around situation, usually it was Bucky being the mother hen and Steve trying to get away like a cat faced with a bath) and give Bucky the chance to slip away. But finally he had managed to get a whole crowd of men together, swapping stories and playing cards and singing lewd songs that would probably make Steve blush just a tiny bit, enough noise and movement to distract the guy so that Bucky could escape, just for a little while.

Not that he wanted to be alone anymore. Actually, what was he was looking for right now was some company. And now that he’d had a chance to shower (first shower in _weeks_ , it had been a three minute slice of paradise), he felt a little more confident about his chances in seeking this particular kind of company out.

His quest took him to one of the big square tents that ran up and down the area like houses on either side of a street, this one in particular serving as a hospital. He ducked in and looked around, easily finding the nurses in their bright white uniforms, and he located the one he was looking for in the middle of the tent, making notes on a clipboard at the end of one of the cots for the wounded. Bucky made his way to her, trying to be casual, but he was feeling an excitement that he hadn’t felt in a long damn time as he got closer.

“It still okay for you to take a look at that sliver, Nurse Ruth Fisher?”

She spun around when Bucky spoke, eyes wide with surprise, but when she recognized him, she smiled like she was delighted. “Oh, hi! I, uh, I wasn’t sure you… you really do have a sliver?” Her eyebrows drew together in confusion.

He grinned, and noticed with a little curl of pride at the way she seemed to melt, just a little bit, when he did. He rather prided himself on that dame-charming smile, thank you very much. “No, but I figured a checkup from the prettiest nurse stationed in Europe couldn’t hurt."

There was that blush again, a beautiful pink that rose up in her cheeks, and she had to look away to smother a tiny, giddy giggle. The sight of one of the doctors looking their way with a frown on his face made her smile disappear, and suddenly she was all business, straightening her shoulders and motioning the other way.

“If you’ll just follow me, Sergeant, I’ll help you with that.”

Taking care to hide his own smile, Bucky meekly followed her, making sure to avoid the jealous and approving looks the wounded men shot him from their places in the cots along the tent walls on either side of him.

Nurse Fisher, Ruth, led Bucky to the end of the row of cots and directed him to a small, screened off area with a cot, chair, and small desk with a lantern and assorted loose medical supplies on top of it inside. Bucky ducked in, and she followed him after a moment, pulling another privacy screen behind her to close them into the semi-private space.

“Go ahead and take a seat,” She said in a low voice, checking to make sure the screen was properly in place. “We’ll just have to pretend you _do_ have a sliver, just in case.”

Bucky grinned, just fine with that, and sat down on the cot as close to the chair as possible. Nurse Ruth noticed, and that sweet smile and pretty pink blush both spread across her face as she pulled a pack of matches out of the desk drawer and lit the lamp. She sat down in the chair, her knees a bare inch away from brushing into his, smiling as she looked at him. At least, until her expression turned shocked and she drew back.

“You look awful!”

Bucky choked on a startled laugh. “Thanks?”

She flushed, but it wasn’t quite as pretty when she wasn’t smiling. She leaned forward, studying his eyes, and her hand found his wrist and felt for his pulse. “You look like you haven’t slept in days.”

“Well, I did a little last night. I think. It was cold, so… hard to tell, really.” He was trying to decide if he could get away with holding her hand, since it was right there at his wrist, or would he get a slap for his efforts?

“I’ve heard some of the men talking, saying what it was like in that facility.” Her eyes almost looked wet for a minute, and she shook her head. “I can’t even imagine.”

Bucky was… trying very, very hard not to think about it. He remembered working in the factory, building the weapons that those bastards intended to use against his own people. He remembered getting weaker and weaker, something he hadn’t ever felt before in his life, the lack of food and rest combined with back-breaking labor burning through all the physical reserves he had. He’d been beaten viciously for it, he still had bruises from that, but eventually he’d collapsed right on the factory floor. Even though the others had tried to cover for him, tried to hide his condition and help him get through, he’d been dragged off into the isolation ward where all the other ones had gone… and didn’t come back from.

After that, the memories got… twisted. He would remember bits and pieces, flashes of indescribable pain, a vice-like pressure on his face and head, something like an electrical shock that made his eyes water with the memory of _hurt_ so great he'd never known anything worse, being strapped down and unable to move as accented voices asked him questions that meant pain no matter what he answered. The only really clear memory from that… that place, was suddenly seeing Steve’s face above him, and being so confused, not sure for a minute where he was, and how Steve had gotten so… different. Which led to a completely different way his brain felt scrambled, and none of it felt comfortable.

So, yeah. Trying not to think about it.

Bucky shifted, forgetting for a moment to be careful since he was still hurting from everything that had happened, and he winced when his ribs let out a howl of pain.

Nurse Ruth, of course, noticed. “Take off your shirt and show me.”

Bucky managed to pull a smile on his face, sending her a look through his lashes that had been known to make girls swoon in the past. “Why, Nurse Ruth Fisher… I never.”

Her cheeks were getting pink again, but she pursed her lips and rolled her eyes, much to Bucky’s joy. “This is for an entirely medical reason, Sergeant Barnes, if you would please maintain a professional attitude.”

Biting his lip to keep from laughing, Bucky did as she asked and took his shirt off, the urge to laugh disappearing entirely as his entire rib cage and everything behind it lit up with pain.

“Ohhh,” She murmured, leaning in close for a look before turning to the desk and grabbing a few things off it. “You’ve got cracked or bruised ribs, from the look of it. I’ll wrap it, give you some stability, but there’s not much else that can be done about that. You’ll just have to rest and take it easy. That’ll help those dark circles under your eyes, too.”

Bucky nodded, and kept quiet as she worked, settling on her knees next to the cot and wrapping several lengths of bandages around his ribs and securing them there. She helped him get his shirt back on, which might have felt humiliating in another situation, but since it was her and she kept making little quiet noises of sympathy whenever he winced, it really wasn’t so bad.

“There. That should help a little, but heaven help you if you sneeze.” She smiled at him mildly as she sat back down in the chair, and looked about to say something else when her eyes narrowed just slightly and she leaned in close again, studying his face.

“What’s this?” She reached up and her fingertips brushed the strange bruising around Bucky’s left eye, up his forehead and across his cheekbone.

He jerked almost violently away from her touch, a phantom pain flaring up through his head as the sensation of pressure against his skull and being tied down made his stomach roll almost the point of throwing up.

She startled when he wrenched himself back, her eyes going wide with worry. “Did I hurt you?”

Bucky shook his head, taking several deep breaths to calm his stomach as the… memory?... faded from his mind. “No. Uh, just… just a little tender.”

She frowned a little bit, eyebrows coming together in concern and sympathy. “I’m sorry. There’s not much I can do for bruising, but holding a cold rag on it might help. And I’ll make sure we get you something for the pain in general. Those ribs are going to hurt for at least a couple weeks.”

Bucky glanced at her under his eyelashes again and smiled, the sight of her clearing out the rest of the… disturbing whatever-it-was out of his head. “Thanks.”

Her cheeks went just slightly pink again, and his grin widened. “That’s sure a nice color on you, Nurse Ruth Fisher.”

“Ruth.” She murmured, still blushing, “Just Ruth.”

He couldn’t help himself. Leaning forward, Bucky took her hand in his and pressed a gentle kiss to her cheek, noting her quick intake of breath. “Ruth. You’re gonna call me Bucky, right?”

Her eyes crinkled up with her smile, and wow, but he liked that. “Yeah. You look like a Bucky. It suits you.”

“Better than James? My first name is actually James, Bucky is a nickname.” He didn’t know why he was telling her that, it just kind of came out, but she didn’t look like she minded.

“Mm, Jimmy, maybe. But you’ve got a smile that’s just a little bit too wicked to be a James.”

“Why, my goodness, Ruth Fisher, what would a sweet gal like you know about wicked smiles?” And yes, he would admit it, he was actively trying to make her blush now.

She giggled, putting a hand over her mouth to keep it quiet. “I have brothers, I know a little bit.”

Bucky scooted the tiniest bit closer, leaning forward with his elbow on his knee, still holding her hand. “Tell me about them.”

“My brothers?” She didn’t conceal her surprise.

“Yeah. Your family. Where you’re from.” He would have happily listened to anything she said with those lips, but it seemed a much more productive use of time to actually learn about her.

“Oh. Well, I have three brothers, and they’re all older, and one younger sister. They’re back in Montana. Or, my sister and parents are. My brothers are all… in the war. I’m not sure where they are now. Mail is… tricky.”

Bucky nodded, noting the little line that had appeared between her delicate eyebrows. She was worried about them.

“I’m the oldest in my family. Did your brothers like to tug on your braids when you were a kid like I do with my sisters?”

Ruth grinned and nodded, the worry line smoothing out. “Yes, they were horrible! They were always teasing me, they still do. I don’t think they’ll ever stop.”

“It’s a right of older brothers to antagonize their sisters, didn’t you know that?” Bucky was grinning at her, loving the curve of her smile and the sparkle in her eyes, and he was about two seconds away from leaning forward and kissing her again, this time right on the mouth, when the sound of footsteps had her drawing her hand away and sitting back.

“Nurse Fisher.”

The privacy screen that Ruth had pulled over was yanked back, and the doctor that had frowned at them before stood there, still frowning.

Ruth stood and looked at the doctor calmly as Bucky stood as well. “Yes, Dr. Sanders?”

“How long will this soldier be requiring your attention? We have other patients.”

“I was just finishing up with Sergeant Barnes, doctor.” Her voice was level and professional, and Bucky was impressed. He almost believed himself that there was nothing between them a moment ago but an exam between a nurse and a patient.

The doctor made a noncommittal noise, glaring a little bit at both of them, then stepped away, not putting the privacy screen back.

“Sorry,” Ruth murmured, turning to Bucky and smiling at him sheepishly, “I better get back.” She looked like she regretted it just as much as Bucky did.

“I didn’t get you in trouble, did I?”

She smiled at him and shook her head. “No, don’t worry. He watches all us girls like a hawk.”

“Does he watch you like a hawk after you get done with your shift?” Bucky let his voice drawl out just a little bit, warm with invitation, and Ruth blushed again. Man, he was starting to fall in love with that shade of pink.

“I might be able to sneak away for a few minutes.” She glanced at him through her lashes, a smile curving her lips. “In a few hours. I’ll be coming off shift at ten.”

“I’ll make sure I’ve got a reason to be walking by.” Bucky promised, and he leaned in quick as a wink to take one chaste kiss from that sweet mouth. “Bye, Ruth.”

“Bye, Bucky.” She whispered, squeezing his hand quickly before he left.

He relived the feel of that touch, and that kiss, over and over and over as he walked back to the barracks. And over and over and over again while he was shuffled through the crowd and over to where Steve, Dum Dum (honestly, who came up with that?), Dernier, and Jim Morita were apparently neck-deep in a round of cards that had Steve set up to lose spectacularly.

And over and over and over again, and again and again, as he wiled away the next few hours, keeping an eye on the time, just waiting to slip away again and spend just a few more moments with a sweet curve of a mouth and two warm brown eyes.

 

***********

 

“Pssst! Ruth!” Bucky raised his voice only slightly above a whisper, not daring to go any louder with so many tents around.

Like she’d been waiting for it, Ruth turned in his direction, and once her eyes found him in the darkness, that sweet smile spread across his face. Glancing around to make sure no one was watching, she jogged between the tents and over to Bucky where he’d hidden behind a tree and nearly bumped into him in her eagerness. He steadied her with his hands, then found himself reluctant to pull them away, even though they were warmer in his coat pockets.

“Hi,” She whispered, her lovely dark eyes sparkling at him, standing out in her face in contrast to the dark coat she had on over her white uniform.

“Hi,” He murmured back, not even a bit embarrassed at how _not_ eloquent he was being. He impulsively leaned down, meaning to give her a kiss on the cheek, but she turned her head to follow his mouth, sliding her lips across his.

It warmed him up like he’d been dunked in a hot bath, sending little quivering sparks of heat and light shooting along his spine and limbs.

With a shivery giggle, Ruth pulled back, beaming at him, and he was pretty sure she was blushing again too. “Sorry. That was too forward.”

“Doll, you can be as forward as you like.” He was feeling just slightly dizzy, perhaps a little drunk on this too-long-forgotten feeling.

“I would, but it’s freezing out here.” She said, her words shaking a little as her teeth chattered.

Bucky practically ripped his hands back out of his pockets, and fiddled with the buttons on his coat to get them open, digging under his scarf for the top button. Ruth looked confused, maybe even slightly alarmed, and then she was rushing to tell him not to even think about giving her his coat, before he shushed her gently and opened the two halves.

“Nah, I won’t take it off, but come here and snuggle in close. I’ll share.”

Ruth paused, but only for a second, then she was stepping into his space and leaning against him, her arms going around his waist under the coat and holding on gently while her cheek rested on his chest. “Only because I have to check your ribs.” She muttered, not making a single move to do any such thing.

It almost felt like coming home, having her arms around him, and Bucky tucked his coat securely around her as best as he could, then wrapped his arms around her and cuddled her close. A long, slow sigh leaked out of his mouth, and he felt a tension in his shoulders relax that he hadn’t realized had been there. Strange how good it felt, being this close to her, when they hardly knew each other at all.

“That’s wonderful,” She whispered, and he could feel her lips moving through his shirt. It sent another wave of warmth flooding along his nerve endings, and he shivered.

She huffed out a little laugh and huddled impossibly closer, obviously thinking he’d shivered from the cold. “I know, it gets so cold here at night. Or maybe it just seems that way.”

“Oh, it ain’t so bad right now…” Bucky said without thinking, and her shoulders shook as she laughed.

“I’ve never done this before,” She said quietly, tipping her face up to look at him. “Been this close to a man.”

“Well, I won’t lie, I have had a girl or two in my arms before. Didn’t like it near as well as I like this, though.”

Her eyes narrowed just a little, like she knew when she was being flattered with pretty words, but she didn’t move away from him. “I think you might just be a little bit of a rascal, Sergeant Barnes.”

“Guess you’ll have to wait to find out, Nurse Fisher.” With her face tipped up like that, Bucky couldn’t let it go to waste. He dropped a kiss on her mouth, lingering for just a moment before pulling away. “Ruth,” He whispered across her lips.

She shivered this time, but he was pretty sure it wasn’t from cold. “Bucky…”

“You don’t have a fella at home, do you?” The unpleasant thought had occurred to him out of nowhere.

She shook her head, then snuggled her cheek against his chest again. “No. I… I was too shy before. Being around so many soldiers, it’s… I guess I just forget to be shy now.”

“I sure don’t mind.” Bucky rested his chin on the top of her head, adjusting his arms so they wrapped just a little bit more tightly around her. It felt _right_ in a way that scared him, and filled him with something like courage.

“You have a girl waiting for you to come home?” She asked quietly.

“No. Never met a girl that I couldn’t stop thinkin’ about. Never saw one that made me stop looking at anyone else.”

Ruth shifted a little, not moving away, just adjusting her footing. “You gonna find one when you go back?”

“Dunno. Maybe I… maybe I’ll find one out here. Maybe I already have.”

It was crazy talk, and they both knew it. A few stolen minutes together, a few innocent kisses, it wasn’t near enough to build a future on. Especially not here, not in the middle of this violence that waited out in the darkness beyond the camp.

But it was nice, it was calming and sweet, to forget about all of that for just a little while, each of them picturing a similar, far-flung future that featured the person they were holding, an idyllic setting filled with golden sunbeams and loving kisses.

It wasn’t real. It wasn’t _realistic_. But it was beautiful.

“They’re going to notice if I don’t go back soon,” Ruth whispered against Bucky’s chest, her fingers curling into his shirt at the back.

“Don’t wanna get you in any trouble.” Bucky replied, sighing into her hair.

Neither of them moved.

“Maybe… if it’s alright… I could maybe talk to you tomorrow? Like this, or… at breakfast?”

A smile curled Ruth’s lips when she looked up at him, and she sighed in a soft way. “Yeah. I’d… I’d like that a lot.”

They stood there for a few more minutes, a niggling urgency not letting them relax, and finally Ruth reluctantly stepped back, shivering when she left the warmth of Bucky’s embrace. It felt almost like leaving Brooklyn again, to have her step away from him. He unlooped the simple navy blue scarf from around his neck, and wrapped it around Ruth's, tucking it close around her throat and tying a careful knot.

“Goodnight, Bucky,” Ruth whispered, looking at him like she was trying to memorize him.

“G’night, Ruth,” He murmured back, holding onto her hands for just a moment longer. He leaned forward one more time, and this time the kiss felt bittersweet, aching and tender, and just a little bit longer before he pulled back with her taste on his lips. “Go, before they notice.”

She took a step back, then paused again, looking at him like she was leaving something important behind.

“Go,” He repeated, summoning a smile for her. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

She smiled back, and nodded, her eyes crinkling up just a little bit. Then she was gone, moving away again on quiet feet, only looking back once before she disappeared around the edge of a tent and out of sight.

Bucky collapsed back against the trunk of the tree, winced when he jarred his ribs and landed on a bruise on his back, and blew out a long breath. He was cold, getting stiff with it even, but he couldn’t go back just yet. He wanted to replay it, over and over, these stolen minutes. He couldn’t explain it, but she, Ruth, unlocked something in himself that had slowly been getting more and more shut away the longer he’d been here, in the war, and finding it again made him feel like there was a light at the end of this tunnel, and there was something like her at the end of it.

He finally made his way back to the barracks a short while later, creeping into his cot so he didn’t disturb anyone, but he still caught Steve looking at him in the dark, a question on his face. Bucky didn’t answer the question, but he also didn’t quite manage to hide the little smile on his face either. Steve would figure it out.

\-----------------------

Fifteen minutes of conversation and a few stolen kisses were enough to help Bucky sleep that night, the first real sleep he’d had in so long, despite being a little bit cold and not very comfortable. He kind of wondered, when he woke up in the morning feeling actually rested, if it was less the kissing and more of the holding Ruth in his arms that had let him get some peace. 

He’d felt… weird, off-balance, ever since seeing the new and improved Steve (of course, being beaten and held captive and… maybe experimented on hadn’t helped either), the protective part of him rearing up to fight the battles that the idiot started and couldn’t finish. The realistic part of himself was having a hard time realizing that Steve could finish his own battles now, and the battles of a lot of other people too. It left Bucky feeling almost useless, in a really dumb way, a protector that wasn’t needed anymore.

But holding Ruth in his arms, opening his coat for her to slide her arms around him and huddle into his warmth… that had settled something inside him that had been off-kilter. He felt like he was useful again, protecting again, giving what he could to help.

Tucking her into his embrace, just having that vital closeness of another person, he had taken the first deep breath he’d had in ages. Having her hold him back had been a little piece of heaven, a slice of a sunbeam tucked behind his sternum to keep him warm now by himself.

They hadn’t even done anything else, anything scandalous or forbidden. Even if it hadn’t been too cold, too public, too risky, Bucky knew that Ruth wasn’t that kind of girl. Not that he minded any kind of girl that there was, he loved the dames and they loved him right back. But Ruth wasn’t the kind of gal you took to bed and kissed goodbye and never saw again. Ruth was the kind of woman you courted and adored and took home to meet your ma.

Another vision of the future, a dream beyond the front, golden and beautiful, came to Bucky’s mind, and it was so easy to see Ruth in that future, smiling her pretty smile and looking at nothing but him.

“C’mon, Buck,” Steve said from his cot, dragging Bucky out of his thoughts. “I’m starved.”

Bucky grinned a little and threw his pillow at his best friend, ducking back under his blanket with a groan at his sore ribs. “So bring me some eggs and bacon.”

Steve threw the pillow back, and Bucky yelped in complaint. “I would, but I’m pretty sure the nurses eat at the same time as all the men, so…” He let the sentence trail off, and Bucky really wanted to punch that grin off Steve’s face when he threw his blanket aside and reached for his boots.

“You say one word, I’ll put a real bad hurt on you, Rogers.”

Steve just kept grinning, like the little shit he was, and Bucky rolled his eyes as he tried to fight off the flush he felt crawling up his neck.

 

******************

 

She hadn’t been there.

Ruth hadn’t been in the mess tent at breakfast. And Bucky knew, he’d been watching like a hawk the entire time, spilling food in his lap more than once since he wasn’t paying any attention to anything other than the people around him. Steve had even given up trying to talk to him, grumbling into his coffee cup at length about terrible best friends and how he'd had such foolish expectations about being able to hold Bucky's attention longer than a beautiful dame.

Bucky had even loitered around outside the mess tent for a good half hour after he and Steve were done, only clearing off once Colonel Phillips noticed him and stared at him for a minute in that way he had that made Bucky feel like he was misbehaving.

And that led him, with a slight sense of desperation, back to the hospital tent, searching the space for Ruth... and not finding her.

“Excuse me, doctor?”

The doctor from the night before, the one that had been convinced he'd catch Bucky and Ruth doing something inappropriate behind the privacy screen, turned around with a grumpy look on his face. “Yes?”

“Sorry, do you happen to know where Ru—uh, Nurse Fisher is?” Bucky tried to sound casual, but he knew he failed miserably. He was anxious, more so every minute, to see her again. Make sure she was real and that he hadn't imagined the whole thing out of desperation and loneliness.

The doctor’s lips tightened like he was about to say something unpleasant, but then something flickered in his face and he sighed. “You’re the sergeant from last night, aren’t you?”

With so many faces in the camp, Bucky didn’t hold it against the man that he didn’t remember. “Yes. Do you know where she is?”

“I am sorry to be the one to tell you this, son. We had a problem last night, one of the men took a turn for the worse and had to be transferred. Nurse Fisher went with him and one of the other doctors. She’s gone, sergeant.”

Something plummeted in Bucky’s stomach, and he had the vague sensation that it had been his heart. “She’s… just like that? Is she coming back?”

The older man actually looked sympathetic. “I’m afraid not. Truth be told, she shouldn’t have been here anyway, she was sent here by error and we were getting ready to send her somewhere else before you all arrived yesterday. She won’t be coming back, she's needed somewhere else.”

Bucky’s heart was pounding painfully behind his ribs, and he had to swallow a couple times before he could speak again. “There’s… no way to get a message to her, is there?”

“A personal message? No. You can write a letter, and direct it to the camp.” It went unsaid that he’d be fortunate if the letter ever did get to Ruth. With how often medical units moved around…

Bucky nodded, having known the answer before it came. And _damn it_ , it hurt.

“I have to get back to my patients. I’m sorry, sergeant. Maybe after the war you’ll find each other.”

Bucky nodded, not really listening, and made his way back out of the medical tent, his feet moving automatically. He ran into Steve just outside the tent, and it was obvious his friend knew from the look on his face that something wasn’t right.

“Buck? You okay? You get turned down?”

Bucky blinked a few times, trying to pull himself together. “Nah, she, uh, she got transferred. Left last night, went with one of the wounded to another medical base.”

Steve’s expression turned sympathetic, his eyebrows drawing together. “Aw, Buck, I’m sorry.”

Bucky shrugged, forcing a tight smile onto his face. “It happens. Don't worry about me. Just another dame.”

The look on Steve’s face told Buck that he knew damn well she hadn’t been just another dame, but he kept his mouth shut about it.

“Gabe and Falsworth said Colonel Phillips wants us for a briefing. I need to make an excuse for you?”

Bucky shook his head and managed a slightly more real smile, clapping his hand on Steve’s shoulder (good grief, the guy was built like a tank, he was never going to get used to that). “Nah, I’m good. Let’s do it. Will Agent Carter be there?” He slid a sly smirk at Steve, and even chuckled when the guy glared at him and ground his teeth. They went to the briefing, walking together side by side, and it wasn’t an embrace behind a tree that touched his soul, but it was a hell of a lot more than Bucky’d had the day before yesterday. 

And that was just gonna have to be enough. He was lucky. He was alive. He was as safe as he could be. He’d never have to worry again about finding Steve in an alley getting pummeled by someone twice his size. He was just fine. And if his heart was gonna be a little broken for a little while, that was just fine. He’d live. He’d survived worse things. He would come through.

\-----------------------------

A week later, sitting at a bar on leave in England and listening to the rest of the newly pledged Howling Commandos sing loudly and off-key while he and Steve talked, Bucky still knew he would come through and that he’d survived worse.

But damn it if having and holding heaven for one brief instant and having it taken away, didn’t almost hurt worse than anything else he’d gone through. He couldn't stop reliving those moment, those kisses, they haunted his dreams and stayed with him when he was awake, and it was driving him just a little bit crazy. 

Bucky couldn’t quite stop himself from propositioning the gorgeous dame in red, even though he knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that Agent Carter was Steve’s, and he was hers. A bitter part of Bucky almost wanted to “wash the taste” of Ruth out of his mouth, get back to himself and the lady-charmer he used to be. To no avail, though. There would be no washing that taste out of his mouth, or that girl out of his mind.

So he kept his mind on his work, his mission to, rather than keep Steve Rogers safe, to have Captain America’s back, and the rest of the Howling Commandos as well. Kept his head on straight, his attention focused, and knew somewhere in the back of his brain that he was just fine. He was. He was a survivor.

 

***************

_November 19, 1943_

__

_Dear Bucky,_

_I’m sure by now you’ve heard what happened, why I had to leave. I was so angry, when they told me to pack my things, to know that I’d be missing breakfast with you. I tried to leave a note, something to let you know, but there just wasn’t enough time and I didn’t know what to say. I’m so sorry, Bucky. I didn’t want to go._

_I hope this letter finds you. I hope you’re there long enough for it to get to you, and I hope you write me back. I don’t know how long I’ll be here, but I haven’t heard anything yet, and maybe if we’ve got luck on our side, this won’t have to be the end._

_Please stay safe. Please take care of yourself and don’t get hurt again. I hate the thought of anything happening to you, it just makes me feel sick inside. I worry about my brothers, I worry about them all the time, and I don’t even like them (mostly). It’s so much worse to worry about you._

_I can’t wait to hear from you. I can’t wait to see what your handwriting looks like, and if you’re as much of a scoundrel on paper as you are in person. I miss you, Sergeant Barnes, so you better write me back this instant. I’ll be waiting._

_Yours affectionately,  
Ruth_

_P.S. Just in case you can’t write me back, I’ve enclosed the address for where I live in Montana. Maybe after the war, if you get a chance… please write me. Stay safe.  
_

_P.P.S. I still have your scarf. I didn't realize until we had left the camp, but I can't say that I'm sorry. I'm going to wear it every day._

 

*****************

_November 19, 1943_

_Dear Ruth,_

_I’m real sorry that I wasn’t able to sit with you at breakfast this morning. I was looking forward to it, and I think you were, too._

_They told me you got sent with one of the wounded, and I’m pretty sure I’ve never wanted to threaten an injured man before, but I kind of do now. Took my best girl right out from under me and I didn’t even get to kiss you goodbye._

_I hope this letter finds you. I hope I hear from you soon. I hope you’re safe. I hope that somewhere, if there’s ever an end to all this, that there’s somewhere between Montana and Brooklyn that there might be a place for us to see each other again. Maybe have more than that. I hope I never forget what it felt like to hold you, and to kiss you._

_Please, if you get this letter, please write me back. We’ll be stationed here for at least another week, then we’ll be catching some R &R. I hope I hear from you. Please stay safe. And wear my scarf, it'll keep you warm._

_With love,  
Bucky_

_P.S. I’m really missing that blush, Nurse Ruth Fisher._

_P.P.S. I’m including the address of my ma’s place back home. If for some reason you can’t contact me now, and you can when the war is over… just send me a letter there. And I’ll write you. Promise._

 

**********************

_September 9, 1945_

_Dear Bucky_

_It's been almost two years since I saw you last, but every time I close my eyes, I can still see your face. I don't know if you ever got my letter, I don't know if you even remember who I am. But I couldn't not write to you... I just couldn't._

_If you do remember, if there was a night in November two years ago that you hid behind a tree and felt like maybe you had a small piece of heaven in your arms... please write to me. Even if you've found someone to love and she has your heart, please write to me anyway. Let me know that you're safe. Let me know that you got back to Brooklyn and your family and that you're alright. I'll feel unfinished until I know you're safe._

_I hope this letter finds you. I hope that perhaps there's still a little corner of your heart that remembers me with fondness. I hope to hear from you._

_Yours with love,  
Ruth_

 

********************

_October 7, 1945_

_Dear Miss Fisher,_

_My name is Winifred Barnes, and I'm Bucky's mother. I'm so sorry to tell you this, but my son was killed in action on February 4th, 1945, in the line of duty._

_I got the letter you sent him, and I hope you don't mind that I read it. I didn't know that Bucky had found someone during the war, but the thought that he did, that he had someone that brought him a little bit of happiness and love, it soothes my soul._

_I am so sorry that he isn't the one writing you back, dear. I wish with all my heart that he could have, and I wish every day that I could get just one more look at his smiling face. I sincerely hope that you are able to soon go on with your life, and find joy. My deepest condolences to you at this time._

_Sincerely,  
Winifred Barnes_

 

Ruth carefully set the tear-stained page of paper on her bedside table, the neat, tidy handwriting blurring as tears came to her eyes. Moving by memory more than sight, she went over to the closet and pulled a slightly battered suitcase down from the high shelf, cradling it in her arms as she went to sit on the bed. She unlatched it and opened it, looking down at the assorted items inside. A stack of letters from her family, tied together with a bright blue ribbon. Her nurse's cap, neatly folded with bobby pins lining the edge. A photograph of some of the nurses she'd served with. A few simple notebooks, journals of her experiences overseas. A few trinkets, presents from soldiers that had needed to express their gratitude for her help in saving their lives. And in the corner, a simple navy blue scarf, carefully folded.

With shaking hands, Ruth moved some things aside and pulled the scarf from the suitcase, running her fingers over the length and curling it around her hands. She set the suitcase down on the floor, then scooted into the middle of her bed, lying down with her head on the pillow.

Taking one more look at the letter on her bedside table, Ruth clutched the scarf to her chest and cried.


End file.
